There must be thousands of women like me who find themselves watching football on perfectly good Saturday afternoons, Sunday afternoons, Monday nights and Thursday nights.
In my case, I never wasted any effort trying to convince Gordon after we married that life was full and rich and interesting outside of his football obsession. I just decided to join him in his madness.
Now, Gordon and I watch football in two completely different ways. Hearing us describe the game, one might think we watched two completely different games.
See if you have ever shared some of these female thoughts while watching a game with your husband or boyfriend, father, brothers, etc.
If they want more women to watch these games they should put more clothes on those cheerleaders. I hope those floozies catch cold from all that display.
If the players get penalized for excessive celebrating after a score or a tackle, then why aren't the cheerleaders penalized for excessive exhibition?
Well, my, my, my. T.O., Terrell Owens, just made a touchdown and reminded us of the power and skill of which he is capable. Then on the next series, T.O. returned to his alter ego, BobbleHands.
"Marion Barber plays like each play is his very last in the NFL," Troy Aikman commented in the first quarter of the game.
Well, if T.O. would play like that, with Heart, he could be without equal, forever deified by the huge industry that is professional football.
But, one cannot teach Heart. One cannot instill Heart through strong leadership. One can nurture Heart, but I don't think T.O. has that enigmatic ingredient of greatness, even buried deep within his personality problems. It is a shame.
For all the gushing the sports talking heads made over T.O.'s catches, you'd think he made seven touchdowns. Instead he made just one touchdown. Don't reward him with praise when he just did what he is paid handsomely to do.
So, listening to a Dallas Cowboys Radio program on the Internet prior to the start of the game, I heard commercials for an "Official Jewelers of the Dallas Cowboys" and organized Cowboy Tours. I never knew such things existed for professional sports.
I assume this official jeweler offers fine jewelry with licensed Cowboy designs? Hmmmnnn. If we had the money sitting around to put into football fan jewelry, I'd have to opt to have the east meadow fenced in with our eight-foot critter-proof and Westie-safe fencing.
A tour of the old and new stadium would be fun, with lots of behind-the-scenes info and some glad-handing with some of the players. Something tells me the folks who lay down the lettuce for those Cowboy tours are more practiced at partying than either Gordon or I. We'd be a couple of frogs far from our country fishing hole.
Face it, we are two middle aged fuddy duddies, squares, and we could not be more contented in our pursuit of the Simple Life.
Hmmnn, lets see what Cowboy fan clothing I can spot. Yuck. Ugly. Ugly. Too flashy. I like that one.
Time to check my secret bookmarked search on eBay for gently used Cowboy fan clothing. I find a good bit of fan clothing that has been listed in an obscure category. Good bargains if no one is around to bid against me. Over the years, I've found some nice pieces to give Gordon a well-rounded Cowboy wardrobe. Even have done pretty well in dressing up the dogs in Cowboy stuff.
My favorite fan t-shirt has all five Superbowl Rings that were designed to represent the Cowboys' five Superbowl wins. I like to count the diamonds pictured on the shirt. In fact, I bought him a lot of eight t-shirts sporting that particular design so that I could enjoy watching him in that shirt for years to come.
Gordon has developed a phobia about wearing any of his Cowboy clothes on the day the Cowboys play. First it was the bad luck to wear red and then bad things happened when he wore socks without the gray toes and heels. Now I guess he needs Nancy Reagan's OK to wear Dallas Cowboy stuff on game day.
I could be talked into making a simple Dallas Cowboy quilt with some of the official team fabric. I can just see working hard on the thing, only to have Gordon decide it would jinx the team if we were using the quilt during a Cowboy game.
Thankfully we have not gotten into the areas of not shaving while the Cowboys are on a winning streak or not washing some Cowboy shirt he was wearing when the Boys started a winning streak. I might have to dust off my Southern Belle Persuasion Techniques Textbook to thwart one of those superstitions. Gordon has searched and searched for my copy of that book because he has not managed to win any contest of wills when I am pushed to consult my Book.
We won't even get into what I think about the Jessica Jinx on the Dallas Cowboy team. Gordon and I no longer verbalize thoughts on that particular gold digger. I don't know how one could prove it, but I just betcha that the games where Romo plays poorly, there has been a pre-game argument with Miss Extraordinarily High Maintenance.
The only reason the sports commentators don't talk about it is because each of them secretly drool over having a famous blond wiggler as a girl friend.
But don't worry, I'm not going to give you even a hint about how I really feel about the Jessica Distraction Problem for the Cowboys.
Does everyone who makes a touchdown save the game ball that crossed the line into the end zone? If so, who keeps up with those special footballs? Does someone put a sticky note on the ball to designate who achieved something with it? What if those sticky notes fall off?
I've heard some reference to "lock that ball up in the trunk". I assume there is a locked box on the sidelines that holds the special balls?
Then what? Does the ball go to a special place to be mounted into a trophy? Is the ball stuffed like a taxidermist stuffs a deer?
What about the ball the Peyton Manning shared with Marvin Harris when they shared some kind of touchdown pass catch record? There was some talk about splitting the ball in half and having it mounted so that Manning and Harris could each have a trophy from that special ball. I'd like to see what that looked like.
Does the NFL Pro Football Hall of Fame in Canton, Ohio, have a collection of every Superbowl ring ever made? If so, who paid for the one that goes into the Hall of Fame?
Is there a limit the team can spend on each ring? If not, some generous owner can fork over big, big bucks to give his winning players some really big bling.
Those naked cheerleaders better not get one of those Superbowl rings just for jumping around on the sidelines. I'm not against cheerleading. I just don't want my husband's eyes to be assaulted with pictures of almost naked cheerleaders, especially when they are wearing bodies that are not found naturally in the general population.
Put some clothes on those brain-surgeons-in-training, and I'd be supportive. I looked at a picture of the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader outfit from the 1980's compared to the little strips of fabric that claim to be a cheerleader costume today. Why bother to even put on those little pieces of fabric?
I was trying to get some ideas for a dog dress for Annie and Lillibeth, but I would not even expect our Westie dogs to run around as naked as today's Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader.
Throwback jerseys. Gordon thinks the Dallas Cowboys cannot play well when they have to wear throwback jerseys. I agree, but for a reason other than superstition. Think of all the stuff those players have to try to remember. As the game evolves and becomes more specialized, it taxes those male brains.
Think of how many Pavlovian triggers you and I use at home to make our man's life easier to navigate. Gordon has had to learn to read body language, facial expressions, my audibles, countless trick plays.
Throw in a different jersey on top of all the visual signs the quarterback has to interpret as a play unfolds, and it is just too much for a man's mind. Romo does not need to HAVE to remember which of the not-the-usual-Cowboy-Jersey he is supposed to throw to.
No wonder Romo has the longest streak in the league of throwing at least one interception per game. Sunday's game would have continued the streak, but the officials overruled the interception because they decided a pass was a backwards pass, not a bobble-turn-interception. Clearly a bunch of men made up those rules.
Coaches, look into it. Look at the quarterback stats when you dress your team up in some throwback jersey. Men have certain limitations. We just have to know what they are in order to work around them. I learned that in my Book, too!
Monday Night football is about to begin. Much, much more female "wisdom" to share with you some time re: football, but this is enough for now.
Thanks for letting me write in this "voice". It is fun and a bit theraputic, actually. If you have ever wondered any of these things while watching a football game with your fella, let me know your thoughts.
I have a dog cheerleader costume to sew on tonight, because I dare not sew on it when the Cowboys are actually playing. Gordon can be so superstitious, you know!
(withdrawing tongue from cheek now)