Penny Sanford Designs

A Very Female View of Ironman

We're putting Ironman on our Movies To Buy list. So much for my vow to not support Hollywood with my dollars. HA! I'll console myself with the fact that this was an all-day ticket Pay Per View movie that we will watch a couple of times. Surely Hollywood won't get much money from that $3.95 ticket (or whatever the price is now).

Good couple hours of Kill-The-Bad-Guy Escapism with titillating computer technology. Good medicine for a pesky snotty cold and migraine.

Thank goodness for AirBorne and the generic variety that is less than half the name brand price! Thank goodness I can work while tucked into a warm bed.

The Westies enjoyed the movie also. The three here in the studio curled up on the bed and peeped at the movie when some sound peeked their interest. Lillibeth was running in her sleep, so she may have been chasing little iron clad moles or rabbits.

So, the stuff I liked about this movie:

1. I was skeptical about Robert Downey, Jr.,, but in the first two minutes I knew that Downey was THE perfect actor to play this part.

2. Here's the recipe for Ironman:
-A good handful of Al Pacino's deep dark moody eyes and Devil's Advocate swagger and rage
-Lots of Stallone's Rambo. I felt Stallone's presence all over the pre-super hero part of this movie.
-A bit of Harrison Ford' realistic awkwardness when he is yanked from the business suit world into third world brutality. I like that. Downey stumbling out of the cave clutching the big car battery that was keeping him alive...loved that scene.
-Bruce Willis's muttering, hard-to-hear, rapid-fire humor and great one-liners.
-Add some James Bond maleness that makes women swoon and makes men want to die for him (at least in the movies).
-There's the multinational pack of mongrels. No regard for human life, hatred-driven killing. No name was attributed to the group, but it evoked an Afghanistan and Taliban terrorist movement.
-Pull in the Superhero comic book fans
-Give lots of stunning CGI for the geeks and video games crowd
-Heavy metal soundtrack. Gordon kept protesting the movie needed electronic or techno music, but I "get" heavy metal for an IRONman flix.
-Even the Renaissance re-enactors would love the suits of armor that Ironman donned to turn him into a superhero.

Now a bit of pure female thoughts during the movie:
So, was Gwenneth Paltrow preggers during the shooting of this movie?  Or maybe she had not lost the slight tummy bulge from just having had a baby? She kept covering up her stomach with file folders and creative camera tricks. She looked glowing, and she was awkwardly trying to hide a little tummy bulge. I don't keep up with celebrity baby production.

I was on board with Paltrow as Miss Pepper Pots, a Miss Moneypenny for Ironman. Until The Dress Scene.  They had already conveyed the sexual tension between Downey and Paltrow. Paltrow needed to maintain her efficient coolness.

Paltrow, I enjoy your body of film work but you turned into an awkward teenager in that dress scene. And why did you buy some overpriced rag that did not have enough material to cover your entire back and even the top part of your rumpus?

After that one big party, where are you going to wear that frock without having women whisper about seeing the outfit before?

Look, honey, go buy Gentlemen Prefer Blondes with Marilyn Monroe.  She sings "Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend".  One should try and learn from one's elders, Gwen. There is much wisdom in that song! Watch that movie several times until you fully grasp the concept.

Instead of buying that dress as your boss's birthday present to you, you should have bought jewelry. I'm not sure I would advise diamonds because Russia has enough diamonds to flood the world's market and drive the price of diamonds down to amethyst if DeBeers cannot keep a tight grip on them.

And don't go for the colored stones either because you never know when the stone's color has been enhanced by technology. 

Go for good quality antique jewelry, emphasizing the artistry of the sculpture and design. Gold coins make stunning jewelry. you've always got that intrinsic value in the metal. The coin is usually 24k or 22k, and stick to at least an 18k setting ...not that I have thought that much about what makes the best present for birthday, anniversary, and Christmas.

Now to add to my shopping list after seeing this movie. I want three Butterfingers robots, one for the house, the studio and Grandma's house.  Butterfingers could finish renovating Grandma's house for us in short order. Butterfingers is a cutie pie.

Add to my list, one Jarvis, the artificial intelligence computer that "runs the house". Gee, Jarvis could save me countless hours keeping up with how many rolls of toilet paper we have and whether we need to add dog food to the shopping list. Jarvis could access hubby anywhere on the network and audibly remind him of items on his Honey-Do list! That would be priceless.

I would love to have computer screens in my windows. I'm sure you have seen the real life translucent computer that appears in one's bathroom mirror so that one can consult, say, the Market, as one gets ready for work in the morning. Yeah, there really is such a thing. The movie just moved that technology to the huge glass windows of the house.

Gotta have Downey, Jr's, laboratory with all those floating flat screens. Give me a house filled with floating flat screens in every room. Gordon and I would be so happy. We would need a sophisticated voice recognition software program and artificial intelligence, customized to anticipate Southern accents and eccentricities.

The house was really sleek and cool. Very James Bondish. If you want to just sign over a deed to a house like that, I'll take it, but I'd really prefer to put that kind of dough into saving and restoring some of the historic mansions in Mississippi in need of preservation... but that is just me.

What I really, really, really want is one of those power source thingies that the principle character invented to keep the shrapnel in his heart from killing him. Just modify it to juice up my adrenal gland and give me all the energy I want.

Youth and youthful energy is SO wasted on the young. I'd love the stamina and drive I once had, but let me keep my life experiences and any wisdom I have gained along the way.

I recommend this movie. I'm old enough to watch any level of violent movie that I want to, so sorry, I did not pay any attention to the movie's rating, nor did I do a body count.

I hope the medical engineering guys all over the country watch this movie so that they will be inspired to make huge advances in prosthetics. After all, we decided to go to the moon, and the scientists made it happen. Lets decide to give our soldiers new arms and legs that work with the brain.

You do know that the early Star Trek shows had retailers calling the studio asking how the doors opened automatically? Two stage hands pulled the doors open simultaneously as the actors approached. Engineers had to create motion-sensitive automatic sliding doors from scratch... just from the Hollywood idea. Can you imagine a big grocery store or discount store now without automatic sliding doors?

My favorite shot of the movie was the American military rescue helicopters finding Downey in the dessert after he escaped the terrorists. Seeing those Special Forces or Rangers boiling out of the choppers and running to rescue Downey... the Americans had arrived. The Calvary had arrived. Safety.

Maybe we'll talk another time about the emotions that image evokes.  Good movie. Get it! Good Job, Downey. Hope this means you have conquered your demons and will give us many movies

Ask your menfolk to describe this movie, and I promise you will get a description that sounds nothing like the review above. *grin*

Other "unique" movie reviews:

The Happening Ain't Happenin'
Cloverfield...The Comedy?

The Happening Ain't Happenin'

Don't waste your money on The Happening!

If we had just done a quick Internet search, we would have seen only an 18% approval rating on RottenTomatoes.

"Consensus: The Happening begins with promise, but unfortunately descends into an incoherent and unconvincing trifle."   (from RottenTomatoes)

Gordon and I think Mark Wahlburg desperately, desperately needed money when he agreed to that movie. It was pitiful... the movie, not Mark Wahlburg.

Whoever wrote this mish-mash of environmental political correctness and conspiracy theories needs to take their meds because the movie screams unmedicated bipolar disorder!

I've been trying to find a picture of when Mark Wahlburg breaks into a deserted house and starts talking to the plant in the corner of the room, explaining to the plant that they were just there to use the bathroom. The plant turns out to be fake.

Gordon and I were laughing so hard at that scene that our sides will be sore tomorrow!

The depiction of the Military Police private was an insult to the Pennsylvania-based military.

The principal couple's manners at the old stone house where they found shelter for the night was an insult to the average folk in Pennylvania. They could not even thank the old woman of the house for dinner and a night's rest!

The young woman cast as Mark Wahlburg's wife has beautiful blue eyes. There, I've said something nice.

Since I hope you will not be spending any money on this stinker, I'll go ahead and reveal the big secret of the movie. The plants are turning against people in the Northeast, releasing a chemical that make the humans commit suicide. That is why Wahlburg was talking to the plant in the corner of the room.

Gordon immediately suggested that we should never cut the grass again, ever. Nor trim any more shrubbery or trees. Better not plow the ground to plant a fall garden or plant clover in the orchard either because it means we have to kill the grass and weeds that have sprung up in the fallow rows.

HA! Nice try, Hubby!

It is hard for me to say, but The Happening was even worse than Cloverfield! I've superficially searched for some link between Happening's director M. Night Shyamalan and Cloverfield's director Matt Reeves.

They must have gone to the same school of directing or maybe they go to the same doctors in La La Land.

Many, many moons ago, I happened to be in Park City, Utah, with friends at the same time as the Sundance Festival was going on. It was in the first years of the Sundance Festival, so there was not as much chaos over the event as there is now.

When I quickly learned that The Good Lord did not make me capable of skiing, I had a blast wandering around Park City, trying on fur coats, browsing book stores, people watching, etc.

It was quite an education to sit in a corner of a little restaurant and just watch and listen to the La La People who had come to town for the Sundance Festival.

Those movie folk whom I observed were from a different planet, and I just betcha Happening and Cloverfield were birthed in similar self-absorbed, self-important, irrational, and paranoid minds.

Other "unique" movie reviews:
Cloverfield...The Comedy?
A Very Female View of Ironman

Cloverfield...the comedy?

The following may prove beyond the shadow of a doubt why I have never worked as a movie critic.

Hubby, the FRUGAL, finally agreed to do a Pay Per View movie. We've seen fewer pay-per-view movies than years we have been married. Remember that we have only been to one movie in the theater in the going-on-five years we have been married.

This was a big deal this afternoon. I was excited! Truly! I was looking forward to two hours of escapism.

Hubby picked out Cloverfield. 

That was fine with me. I like Predator and Alien and Predator vs. Alien. I love blood and guts movies, PRO-military movies (not the movies that try to undermine our military). I love disaster movies. From the promos, I was anticipating a really cool movie.

Well, I liked the monster...the really big one and all the little dog-sized grasshopper ones that either the big monster regurgitated, or they rode along on his back. They were good and scarey. Hollywood seems to be stuck on that Alien type of outer fangs/jaws that open up to either a little head inside or another mouth inside.

Anyway, it did not bother me that the monster had something similar. Hollywood does seem to have problems with coming up with a lot of original ideas in any given year.

The hand-held camera telling the story was a good idea. Gordon questioned a camera that was still running two hours from party through disaster. Videocameras are not my area of expertise so I was cool with the super-long-lasting batteries and super-long tape in the videocamera. The new battery for the cell phone stolen from the shelves of an electronic store probably would have not been charged straight out of the package, but it was in this movie. I was still cool with the artistic license.

The collapsing buildings and crashing debris were all realistic.Loved them.

The military was on top of the disaster FAST, and they looked good and fearless and had triage centers set up and were facing death without any hesitation.  The military was just as I would have written and directed them. Quite realistic, IMHO.

The principle actors...the early 20-something hip crowd that had gathered for a party and spent the rest of the film screaming and saying "OMG" and "I can't believe this!" are what had Gordon and me in stitches throughout the film.

Lets start with the party. The party was about the dullest party I've ever seen. Thankfully I have not been to any like that...and I've always been a square (so one would expect that any parties I have attended, even in my 20-something years would be exaggeratedly dull. None of the parties I have ever attended have been as boring as the party in this movie.

Maybe one had to be drunk or drugged to "get" that party. The women were all fashionably beige. An amalgam of Hispanic, Indian, African American...you know, that very hip and trendy "beige" look that does not fit into any one nationality. The women were very pretty. Borderline Anorexic. All legs. All short skirts.

The gossipy action was junior high school..tops. Except for the part about Rob sleeping with the chick in the gold sequined baby doll mini dress...ONE TIME. But hey, I am out of touch. Maybe sleeping together in Junior High School is done nowadays.

The copulation must have been earth-shattering, because Rob just sat on the sofa across the room and watched Miss Gold Sequins being chatted up by several of the guys. They really didn't know each other. The sex was "just one of those things," we were led to believe.

Their union was apparently so memorable that Rob was heading off to Japan (without Miss Gold Sequins) for some big job promotion and leave her behind in New York, after all, the sex had been "just one of those things."

BUT AFTER the monster arrived and AFTER the monster killed Rob's brother, both of Rob's brains were determined to rescue this chickie-poo with the gold sequins.

She must have had a gold plated one because Rob dragged  four more friends back into the Monster Zone to rescue her, on the 39th floor of her leaning apartment building where she was skewered with rebar through her shoulder, skewered low enough to have punctured a lung.

That rebar, by the way, did not stop them from yanking her off of the metal reinforcing bar (something you don't do unless you want the patient to bleed to death)...and for the rest of the movie, she ran around screaming, giving good rounded rumpus shots for the cameraman, so that rebar puncture must have miraculously healed.

Oh, and the last frame of the movie, when apparently Rob and Gold Sequined Chick were killed, they were saying "I Love You" with such deep emotion. That left me with a proper moral to glean from this movie.

Another principle female actress thankfully had matching black panties to go with her black georgette baby doll dress over a black chemise.

I saw enough of that dress, at thigh level, that I can draw off the appliqué flowers on the dress. Sleeveless. Good arms. Good legs...every inch of them. I know this for a fact because we saw every inch of her legs many times during the movie.

The moody chick with limpid Jennifer Beals eyes had on the mandatory mini skirt and long tall boots with four inch platform heels. She was the one who was bitten by one of those oversized grasshoppers. I was rather proud of her for not screaming in pain, even when she started bleeding from her eyes.

All those girls had talent, you have to admit, because they managed to hop across debris, climb around on broken buildings and run very well on four inch heels! I was quite impressed.

The guys were just...dim bulbs...slow...dumb...mentally deficient...dull eyes...NOT leader material. They would have never made it into the military. I would not have even hired the camera guy to carry out the garbage around here.

He did manage to train his camera on the running legs and rumpus of the girl in front of him, and ya know, that camera was always in focus when cheesecake was in the lens, so he might have a brilliant career ahead of him after all!.

So I was thinking throughout this movie that the characters represent the very people who will be voting for our next president in November! THAT was very, very scary. What are we up to now, Generation Y? I don't ever want to know any Z'ers. Just don't tell me when they arrive.

Then I pondered that there must be REAL 20-somethings like these characters...or the script writers would not have had any models on which to base their self absorbed, dim-witted screen versions. That deeply scared me too!

That led me to ponder just what we are producing in colleges these days. I dare say my classmates in college showed far more bravery in dissecting frogs and cats and the other things we had to cut up in biology classes than the principal characters in Cloverfield.

Well, I am showing my age and female-who-has-survived-a-bit-of-life perspective in this movie review.

There is a moral to this story. If you want an almost stranger to fall in love with you, just take him into a monster zone where buildings and bombs are crashing all around you, and I am sure he will vow his undying love to you...just moments before each of you die.

It is a shame. This could have been a really cool movie, except for the insipid actors and dialog. Now, who is ready to hire me to write movie reviews? 

Addison DeWitt, move over. Actually, I would love to read what Addison would write about this flick.

Other "unique" movie reviews:

The Happening Ain't Happenin'
A Very Female View of Ironman